Jul
12

Practicing Slowing Down– How to start mindful eating

 

 

One of the easiest exercises that you can you do to help you let go of binge eating is practicing mindful eating.

The first step in eating mindfully is to slow down.  When you serve yourself a meal, don’t pick or snack until you are sitting down with your plate in front of you. Then, when you go to eat, pay attention to your food. Don’t eat in front of the TV or internet, notice each bite. Notice what it feels like on your tongue, notice what it tastes like, notice what it feels like to chew and to swallow. Pause between bites and allow yourself to enjoy what you are eating in the moment that you are eating it. When you are binge eating, you’re chasing the taste so you barely get a chance to enjoy what you are eating in the time that you are eating it and it becomes a race to finish one food and get to the next.

Today, plan just one meal that you can eat mindfully. When you eat it, slow way down. Taste and savor  your food — no matter whether it’s romaine lettuce or a piece of dark chocolate. Allow your body to integrate the nutrition into your cells. You might find that when you slow down, you become more conscious of your needs and you might even find that you need less food or more food.

As you begin to slow down your meals, you might find that you can even slow down your binges, when you do that, you might find that you are able to make the choice not to binge, that mindfulness and thoughtfulness will win out over the compulsion.

slow. slow. slow. That’s the word of the day when it comes to mindful eating. Slow down and let your body make the choice rather than the binge. You might want to try this guided visualization to help you learn mindful eating.

Jul
05

How to Talk to a Loved One with an Eating Disorder

 

Watching someone that you love being active in their eating disorder is devastating.  It’s so painful to watch your mother, sister, wife or girlfriend (or husband, father, brother or son) either restrict their food, or binge on foods that are unhealthy for them, or to know that they’re purging in the bathroom after they’ve eaten. It’s painful and upsetting and scary.

You might find yourself becoming very angry at the person whom you love when you see them taking such poor care of themselves. It’s important to find compassion for the person who has the eating disorder when you choose to talk to them about it.

1.)Although you might feel angry, please try to understand that this is a serious problem that she/he has. They would certainly stop if they could.

2.)When you talk to them, don’t be attacking. If you come at the person and say things like, “you really need to be eating more,” or  “you have to take better care of yourself,” or “I want you to stop purging now,” you’re going to create a face off and a defensive stance. The person is going to be forced to defend themselves against this attack. Instead, talk to them using I statements. For example:

“I have noticed lately that you look very, very thin, and I’m worried. I haven’t seen you eat at all in several weeks. It’s really hard for me to watch this because I love you so much and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose you. I just don’t know what I would do without you. Is there anything I can do to support you? Would you be willing to do some family counseling with me with an eating disorder specialist? Or can we go see a nutritionist together and perhaps I can help you go shopping? I just really love you and want you to be healthy.”

Really contact your own feelings of fear rather than anger in order to get a conversation going.

3.)Don’t try to fix the person. Don’t try to take food away from them or force food on them. Don’t refuse to eat if they’re not eating. Don’t make comments about what they are or are not eating.

4.)Don’t be afraid to talk openly and honestly about how their eating is affecting you.

5.)Remember that this is a very hard topic and the person who you confront will most likely feel embarrassed and ashamed. You don’t want to shame them into recovery. In fact, this can often backfire. Let them know how much you love them and want to be there for them and you’re not going to let them go through this alone.

6.)Understand that recovery takes time, don’t expect them to see a therapist once and then all of a sudden to be cured. Be patient and if you can, try to be an active participant in their recovery.

7.)If this person is completely unreceptive to you, don’t push or get angry. Get help for yourself. You need support when you love someone with an active eating disorder. You might want to check out Al-anon or Codependents Anonymous or seek therapy or a support group for family members of people with EDs.

8.)Even though you might feel angry and frustrated (that’s so normal) don’t give up on someone you love. Let them know that you love them and you will be there for them when they are ready.

Recovery from eating disorders is hard. But watching someone struggle is downright painful. You feel helpless and scared and depressed. Please try to get love and support for yourself as well.

Some further reading and resources:

http://fishybb.something-fishy.org/

http://www.pbs.org/perfectillusions/help/friends.html

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-resources/family-and-friends.php

http://bingeeatingtherapy.com/?p=277

http://bingeeatingtherapy.com/?p=283

http://bingeeatingtherapy.com/forum/index.php?board=27.0

http://bingeeatingtherapy.com/forum/index.php?board=29.0

http://bingeeatingtherapy.com/forum/index.php?board=35.0

Jun
27

I regret eating that… dealing with food regret

 

“You’ll never regret the things you do; only the things you don’t.” This quote doesn’t necessarily work with food though, does it?  With food, you won’t necessarily regret the food that you pass up, but the food that you choose to eat, the binge that you choose to have might lead to some regrets.

I began thinking about this over the weekend. I was out to lunch with some friends, including a dear friend of mine who continues to struggle with food issues, let’s call her “Liz.”  We all put our orders in, and even though Liz had ordered something  healthy, when others’ orders came out, she began to regret her order. She looked at another friend’s less healthy choice and decided that she wanted that. She said, “I’m having orderers’ remorse,” and changed her order to the same thing that the other friend who ordered the less healthy choice.

I had a feeling that I knew what she was feeling at that moment. It seemed that she was dealing with food regret. At that point, the food choice in that moment became overwhelming to her and she was unable to contain the compulsivity of the want. The truth is, had she told herself, “this is what I ordered and this is what I’m eating now, there’s always another meal later or tomorrow when I can choose something different…” she probably would have been fine. She wouldn’t have spent the whole afternoon sitting around regretting that she’d eaten the healthier choice– she probably would have forgotten about it in fact, or even felt satisfied that she’d been able to make a good choice for her body and well-being and not given into that compulsive in-the-moment urge.

That’s the thing about food choices. Sometimes they can feel very, very dire. Ordering that double bacon cheeseburger with fries when you had intended to order the veggie omelet with fruit and whole wheat toast can seem like it’s the most important thing in the world– AT THAT MOMENT. And it probably will. It will be very hard, but for people with binge eating disorder, often, ordering options that they hadn’t planned on can set off a binge.  The regret then will not be what you did not eat, but what you did eat. You might have a binge, do a behavioral chain analysis and realize that your binge was set off by choosing to give into a compulsion rather than sticking with a choice that might have felt less exciting.  Compulsions are challenging because they don’t always feel as though they’re in your control. They don’t feel like you can actually make a choice outside of the compulsion. Compulsions feel like they’re in charge. The truth is though, no matter how strong the compulsion feels, you ARE in charge!

Next time you have a compulsion to eat something that you know will trigger your eating disorder, remember, “I’ll never regret what I don’t eat… This is just a compulsion, it’s strong,  and it’s hard, but I’ll never regret not letting it have control. I might regret if I do give this compulsion control.” That’s why it’s so hard. Compulsions feel as though you can’t make an alternate choice. They feel as though that’s the only choice. But it’s not. It’s not about willpower, it’s about knowing that this strong feeling is only temporary. You can sit with the fear of regret. And you won’t actually feel regret about choosing not to eat something that feels unhealthy or feels as though it might trigger a binge.

Jun
24

Friday Q & A– I can’t stop dieting– I just want to be a normal teenager

 

Question:

Hi, I’m a 16-year-old Asian who’s had an eating disorder for almost one year. When I was as young as 13 I was already at a weight of 60kg/132lbs. I began feeling more insecure about my body after that so I went on a diet and lost 10kg/22lbs. But as days go by there’s always a voice in my mind that says I don’t look good enough and there’s always that big stomach of mine underneath my clothes. As of now I’m at a height of 161cm/5ft 3in and a weight of 45kg/99lbs.

No one knows about my diet and everything I did to lose weight although my friends and family have been saying “Since when did you get so thin?” these kind of things to me for the past year. I made my decision to recover in April 2011. But it’s just so, SO hard to completely recover and I really don’t want to see a doctor, I just don’t. I count calories every day and I try to keep them no more than 1500 but sometimes I’m just so upset that I haven’t lost my tummy weight I start binge eating and reach 2000 calories in a day!

I’m so tired of counting calories, weighing myself every day, exercising (running, jogging, dancing, sit-ups) in my room.. But I just can’t help it. Last night my parents brought me to a restaurant for dinner and as soon as I came home I saw my bloated, really huge stomach in the mirror and only went to sleep after I jogged in my room for about 20 minutes.

Please help me. I want to live a normal teenager life with no worries about weight at all, and I’m now worried of the fact that I haven’t had my period for 3 months and a half. I want to be able to live like my friends who can eat whatever they want and will never be weight-conscious, and I’m really, really afraid of weight gain. I’ll just start exercising again. I want a real meaningful life at a young age of 16…

And one more thing. I’m a huge fan of Korean music industry and the female celebrities (who have such great bodies and long legs) often remind myself how imperfect I am..

Sincerely, Kim

Answer:

Kim, thank you so very much for writing. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It sounds really, really difficult.  I know that you don’t want to go to a doctor– that’s not unusual, but I’m very concerned about your health. Your weight puts you at underweight and the fact that you’re in amenorrhea (no period) shows that there is something very serious going on with your health. I do think that you need to tell your parents what’s going on and have them take you to a doctor and a therapist who specialize in treating EDs.

What seems to be happening is that you’re beginning to listen to the voice of ED. That’s the voice of your eating disorder that tells you wrong information, such as “you’re too fat,” or “your belly is big, you can’t eat anymore, you have to stay up and exercise before you’re allowed to go to sleep because you’ve eaten too much.”    ED is what drives you to see yourself in a distorted way. ED is what tells you that you’re not good enough. ED is what provokes you to look at pictures of pop-stars and tell yourself that you’re not good enough because you don’t look like them.

Your belief that you haven’t “lost your tummy weight,” sounds like a cognitive distortion to me. Something that appears true in your mind, but isn’t reality. Lots of women have distorted body images where they see their bodies very differently than the way most others see them.   Unfortunately, when you get stuck in that loop, it’s hard to get out of.  You keep hearing in your head that you’re not good enough and you spend all your time trying to make yourself good enough and you miss out on your life. Not to mention that restricting your calories so low can lead to cardiac arrest, and your other organs shutting down, and eventual death.

So, this kind of eating disorder is not just dangerous emotionally, but dangerous physically.

1.)Please tell your parents immediately and tell them that you absolutely need treatment. Treatment should be a therapist, a group, a doctor or outpatient or residential treatment.

2.)If your parents are not receptive, tell someone at school, a teacher, school nurse, guidance counselor, etc.

3.)Try not to let yourself focus on pictures of other women and tell yourself that they are better than you. Begin to think about what is wonderful about you and how you can continue down that path to create the life that you want for yourself.  Often we get into the compare and destroy mode. We compare ourselves to someone, decide that we are not good enough, then decide that we might as well not exist because we are not “as good” as that other person. It gives us very little room for being who we are.

4.)Remember that your beliefs about your weight and your size and the way you look and your fears about getting fat are nothing more than fears and beliefs. They are not factual or based in truth. This is the kind of messages that your eating disorder sends to you. As you work to recover, you can change these beliefs.

 

I hope that you’ve found something here helpful and I hope that you get the help that you need. Please email me if you need further help or have more questions.

Jun
15

It Gets Better

Image taken from JenVenegas.com

I think that one of the very challenging things about eating disorder recovery are all the thoughts that come with the behavior.  Most often in EDs, the thoughts come first, ie: “I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not good enough, I’m not special enough, I’m not thin enough…” and dieting seems like a solution to these problems. Dieting of course then leads to bingeing leads to starving leads to bingeing leads to purging leads to full blown ED.

But it gets better. I don’t want to tell you that as soon as you stop dieting and begin to embrace what your body needs that you’ll begin to love your body and have an amazing relationship with it and feel beautiful and wonderful all the time. That’s magical thinking. The problems that resulted in dieting will still be there when you stop dieting, just as the problems that you thought would be solved by dieting were still there despite the fact that you were dieting. American society will still tell you that “thin is in,” and that this very last diet will solve all your problems. Super models will still be tiny. None of that will change. And it will probably still be difficult in certain ways. But that’s when you begin dealing with the feelings that lead to the eating disorder. That’s when you begin dealing with insecurity, that’s when you begin learning to tolerate your body size, that’s when you begin leaning on your internal and external resources for support rather than food or diets.

And, after you’ve stopped bingeing/purging/dieting/starving/spitting & chewing/overexercising… whatever, even on the days that you feel horrible about yourself, even on the days that you feel bloated, or too large, or your clothes don’t fit, or someone rejected you, or you had a bad day at work or school, you won’t go back to your eating disorder because you will remember how much worse it felt to be using these behaviors to chase away these feelings. You’ll remember how horrible the eating disorder was. And you’ll get support for your feelings in different ways. You’ll talk to friends that you love and who love you. You’ll do something to take care of yourself. You’ll understand that just because you are feeling badly, you don’t need to find a solution because the problem is internal. It needs love and support and kindness. Not another diet.

Yes, it will still hurt. Society will still give you messages. You will still feel unhappy sometimes. It’s hard to believe right now, but there is relief on the other side. The eating disorder just won’t bring it.

Jun
07

Add something

Often, in attempts to quit binge eating, people will set up a rule structure for themselves such as “I can’t eat sugar anymore, I can’t ever eat white flour, I can’t eat gluten…” etc. However, more often that not, those foods that they restrict themselves are the foods they wind up bingeing on. Rather than attempting to control the binge by taking something away, try to add something. For instance, “I will eat a vegetable with every meal and a fruit for desert for each meal,” or “I will take a walk at night after dinner,” or “I will write in my journal or do a blog post  when I have the urge to binge,” or “I will call my sponsor/friend/family member/support person when I am feeling down.”  Change “I won’t”  statements into “I will statements.” The hope here is that you will begin to fill up your time (and your meals!) with the good stuff which will help you to generally feel better.

Jun
04

Do One Nice Thing for yourself– RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

What nurturing non-food related thing can you do for yourself at this moment? You deserve to be cared for and if you don’t take it upon yourself to take care of yourself, you just might wind up using food to fulfill that need.

Here are some things that you can do right now.

1.)Rub nice smelling lotion into your feet and paint your toenails.

2.)Make yourself a cup of tea and drink it slowly while gazing out the window.

3.)Look in the mirror and tell yourself what’s great about yourself.

4.)Go get a hug from someone you love.

5.)Do your nails or go get them done.

6.)Take a nice long bubble bath.

7.)Take a walk outside.

8.)Put a facial mask on and sit around reading a fun novel.

9.)Sit in silence with your eyes closed, just breathing in and out slowly and imagine yourself flooded with healing light energy (otherwise known as meditation).

10.)Stretch!

 

What else can you do?

Do it! Do one nice thing for yourself this very moment!

May
31

One Daily Intention

Here’s a quick recovery exercise for you. Rather than thinking about weeks or months or years ahead of you, each morning set just ONE DAILY INTENTION.

Wake up in the morning and before you do anything, before you get out of bed, before you brush your teeth, think about what your intention for that day is. Just choose one. Think about it, visualize it, see yourself achieving it and hold onto it for the day.

Ideas for daily intentions.

  • I will eat slowly and mindfully today. I will let myself eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m satisfied. Just for today.
  • I will go just for today without binge eating. Just for today.
  • I will go just for today without purging. Just for today.
  • I will not compare myself to anyone else today. Just for today.
  • I will not say mean things to myself today. Just for today.
  • I will drink 8 glasses of water today. Just for today.
  • I will refuse to engage in aggressive driving or road rage. Just for today.
  • I will floss my teeth before bed. Just for today.

Write it on a post it note and post it on your desk at work or your computer, or in your purse or wallet so that you can remember that one intention for the day.

Each day day that you set and stick to an intention will help increase your confidence, self esteem and help you on your road to recovery.

What are some of your daily intentions?

May
27

Friday – Q&A- I can’t stop fantasizing about food

This comes from a reader who would prefer to remain anonymous:

Question-

I wondered if you could give me some advice. Sometimes when I feel distressed or tired, I find myself having food fantasies. They are very intense and vivid where I imagine myself eating high-calorie food like cake and other sweet, fatty, high-carb foods. I imagine the taste and the pleasure it would give me. I’m not sure what to do when I have these fantasies because they make me want the food.
To give you some context, I used to be 17kg/37pounds overweight. I recently lost the weight over a period of a year through diet and exercise. However, I have fallen off the wagon and cannot get back on. When I was losing weight, I felt like a new person. I was disciplined, I was extremely fit, I was positive, I had energy and I felt in control.
It’s been six weeks since my fall off the wagon and I can’t get back into that mindset, and now all I can think about is food for comfort. I’ve started to re-gain the weight through comfort eating and no exercise. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to eat or how to eat or how to get back to the place where I was exercising regularly, eating healthily and being happy.
Many thanks for your help.
Answer-
Hello and thanks so much for your question.
I have a question for you, if you weren’t thinking about food, what do you think that you would be thinking about?
You very insightfully state that your mind turns to food when you are feeling distressed or tired. This tells me that food is very comforting to you. It’s something that you turn to for comfort and so when you are feeling distressed, you begin to think about food and eating to soothe yourself.
You might want to try using an alternative choice journal. When you find that you are feeling distressed, or your thoughts are drifting toward food, fill this out:
Feelings: Describe what you are feeling right now- happy? sad? anxious? angry? tired? lonely?:
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
What led to this feeling? Can you pinpoint the trigger?
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Describe what kind and how much food your are fantasizing about:
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
How do you hope that this will make you feel? What outcome are you looking for?
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

Is there something else that you can do that might be able to give you a similar feeling as you are trying to achieve with food? 

___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

For some ideas on self soothing or self care activities see here and for distractions, check here.

I would encourage you to concentrate on health  and well being rather than losing weight. Instead of trying really hard to refocus on losing weight again, think about giving yourself health by exercising in ways that you enjoy. Focus on being emotionally healthy by validating your own feelings and talking to safe people when you’re feeling distressed. Take care of yourself by being gentle and kind to yourself instead of beating yourself up for not being where you think you should be. The irony is, so many people get so angry at themselves when they binge, but the fact that they are bingeing indicates that they need compassion, yet they beat themselves up. If you are bingeing or fantasizing about food, you probably need to give yourself some more attention. Let yourself nap when you are tired and eat when you are hungry. Try to engage in intuitive eating rather than dieting or restrictive eating. Be kind and gentle with you.

A very similar one was asked a few months ago, you might want to check out that answer as well.

Do you have a question about binge eating, bulimia, anorexia, or anything associated with eating disorders? Send an email to bingeeatingtherapy  at gmail dot com. All questions will be kept confidential. Include your first name or the name you want to be referred to as and your location.

May
21

Friday Q&A- Help for Bulimia, Laxative Abuse and Anorexia

This question comes to us from a reader:

Q:

Hi there, i ran across your website and thought that someone like you might be able to help me through my recovery…

Heres a summary of my case:
I’ve been bulimic for almost 5 years with bingeing and purging routines for about 3-4 times per week (once a day in those days). During the later 2-3 years I’ve added the problem of laxative abuse, starting with a few tablets of Dulcolax and it built up to about 100 tablets a day towards the end of those years. Towards the end i also shifted to this other “herbal laxative”, also taken about 100 or so per day. At the very begining, my weight stood at 130 pounds (almost 60 kilograms, with my height of 160 cm or 5 foot 3 inches). At 130 pounds i decided to start eating healthier and exercise healithily. At that time without the bulimic actions i was able to get my weight down to around 110-115 pounds. Then the bulimia kicked in. Throughout those 5 years my weight got down from 110-115 pounds to a minimum of about 90 pounds, measured about a week ago.
About a week ago, everything changes. I had severe reactions against the laxatives i was using, including nauciousness and just feeling sick all the time. I knew that i had to quit one day, and i knew that my internship had to start soon so i gues it would be a right time to quit. (im 20 years old). So i got on the road of quiting, with full support from my parents, who was well aware of the need to quit. Frankly, i knew that i was going to be tough. I expected and was able to accept a full 10 pounds or so increase in my weight, if that was going to do the quitting.
On the first day, i did a good job of controlling what i ate; i had the help of my mom in guiding me on that. My diet was full of fibers and proteins with some carbs. I also did some exerising about 30 minutes a day for the past week. Prior to this, i knew that fluid retention wil result, but i definitely underestimated its affects on my weight. The routine i did on the first day of quitting continuted for 3 days. After 3 days, I was super constipated since i was not able to “go to the bathroom” like that…on my own. On the third day my weight increased from around 90 to 96 pounds…i was quite shocked and felt very bloated. I purged on the end of the third day because i felt sooo constipated and bloated, but very little, compared to what i was doing for the past 5 years. On day 4 and day 5, things went on the same way, i stil had trouble going to the bathroom and took a few tablets of laxative to help my body a litle bit.
So right now im standing on day 6-7 of the recovery. my weight now is about 98-99 pounds. my goal is to quit but keep my weight to be around 100 pounds or so. im really dreading this road of quitting and im really worried that my weight will go on increasing nonstop especially with the fluid retention. i drink so much fluid this past week and i dont pee it out much at all, i feel like al the fluid i intake is converted in to weightweight and addds on to my number on the scale and never gets rejected out anymore. So in short the past week was a semi recovery as in i dont rely on constant puking and constant laxative taking anymore but i did cheat and do one or two of each just to keep my weight from exploding. And yes i realize that this is not good since i plan to completely quit. there stands my issue.
I was wondering if you have any advice as to how to better approach this road. Keep i mind that i DONT want to gain more weight than around 100-102 pounds =[ and is there anyway to trigger my system to function normally as soon as possible? i mean tons of fruits and vegies that i have been eating havent helped at all in my digestive system and the “going to the bathroom” stuff.
I do very much appreciate your time and effort to help
Answer:
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and this advice is not intended to treat any condition nor is it a substitute for medical care.
It’s so great that you have chosen to seek help. That’s very brave of you. It’s so difficult to come forward and look for help. I’m really so happy that you reached out.
First off, please, please, please get yourself to a medical doctor immediately.
You are in a very, very precarious position right now. There is so much going on in your body and you are quite ill with an extremely serious eating disorder. You need more than just your parents helping you. You need to be monitored by a whole medical team as well as a psychologist or psychotherapist who specializes in Eating Disorders. To find treatment go here.

 

 

It seems that your weight is very low.  If haven’t menstruated for at least 3 months, you would be considered anorexic.  Your desire to stay at such a low weight is dangerous. With your low weight,  the fact that you are exercising daily,  the use of laxatives and bingeing and purging you are at increased risk for cardiac arrest and organ failure. Your whole system is at risk.

When  people stop purging and using laxatives, they usually suffer from severe water retention and their digestion takes a while to normalize.  This is because your body has been losing water so rapidly for so many years. The moment it receives food, it will do whatever it can to hold onto. It’s been starving for nutrients. As you allow yourself to eat normally, your bodily functions will take over.
You want to recover from your eating disorder, yet you want to stay 100 pounds. Unfortunately, it’s not possible to do both as your weight is too low for your height, so staying at that weight would inherently keep you in an eating disorder.
You want to know how to  trigger your system to function normally as soon as possible. However, you have been abusing your body for 5 years. It will take awhile for your system to heal or recover.
I’m sorry that I can’t give you the answers that you want, but I’m afraid that your eating disorder voice is asking these questions. You are trying to figure out how to stay underweight without bingeing and purging and using laxatives and you are trying to figure out a quick way  to normalize your digestion without working with a doctor and nutritionist.   Unfortunately, this will take time.  However, if you choose to get into treatment, your quality of life will hopefully improve.
I know that you have an internship coming up and it’s hard to balance recovery and work, school, etc.  Many people decide to take some time off from school or work to focus directly on recovery. It can be helpful as often it’s very hard to do school when the eating disorder is so pervasive. It’s also hard to do recovery when you have no time to focus on yourself.
Thanks again so much for reaching out. I am rooting for you and I hope that you get the help and recovery that you need.

 

 

Do you have a question about binge eating, bulimia, anorexia, or anything associated with eating disorders? Send an email to bingeeatingtherapy  at gmail dot com. All questions will be kept confidential. Include your first name or the name you want to be referred to as and your location.

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