Loving Someone Who Is Suffering Can Be Rough, Here’s How You Can Help
How to Help a Partner Suffering with an Eating Disorder
It is so hard to watch your partner struggle with an eating disorder. You might find yourself feeling really angry with them, wanting them to get over it, to stop all this nonsense, to just eat or to not go throw up, or to stop eating or sneaking around. You might feel like it is your responsibility to fix them. Or you might just feel really sad while you watch them struggle but don’t know how to help or what to say.
We all know that recovery from an eating disorder is not like recovery from most other things. You obviously cannot ask someone to simply quit food. Imagine telling a person who is recovering from a cocaine addiction that they can never touch cocaine again and then setting a giant pile of it right under their nose, on the kitchen counter, on every billboard, in every television commercial, and at every party they attend. That is what living in recovery from an eating disorder is like, because food is everywhere and there is no walking away from it completely. The work is not abstinence. The work is repairing a relationship with something they have to face constantly.
But it is worse than that, because no matter what, most people recovering from a drug addiction will get the message that cocaine is not acceptable. Disordered behavior with food and body image, on the other hand, is not just acceptable, it is expected and revered. So your partner, who has been trying to get over this eating disorder, gets triggered over and over and over again. It is not just their relationship with food. It is their relationship with their body, and the constant exposure to other people’s relationships with their bodies.
For someone with an eating disorder, watching someone diet is like giving a drink to a recovering alcoholic and saying, “what’s the big deal?”
Eating disorders are HARD. Every single moment, someone is exposed to visions of “the perfect” body, which creates so much self-hatred.
Why should a person hate themself because they see somebody else who looks or behaves the way they believe they are supposed to but can’t? Because that is what the eating disorder is built on. And that is how control is exerted over people on a societal level. And that is how people are sold to. There is something wrong with you. Fix it. If you don’t, then you deserve to be… whatever it is… sad, self-hating, etc.
So you need to understand that your partner is fighting against something that is constantly being reinforced by society, by family, and maybe even by you.
It is not your job to fix them. But it is your job as their partner to be a safe person. As a partner, the most important and loving thing you can do is be a safe, steady, loving presence while they do their own work. It’s also important to take good care of yourself along the way.
So for instance, what if you love working out? What if you count your macros? Does it feel like you’re not allowed to do that when you have a partner who is trying to recover? Does that make you resentful? There is a fine line here. You have to remember that if your partner was a recovering alcoholic, you wouldn’t come home and say “I was out with Lenny getting trashed on Margaritas! It was great. Yum! Love me that tequila. Let me tell you all about it.” It would be more subtle. It’s your body and your choice. But your partner also has something they are dealing with. So can you also say something like, “I’m going out with Lenny, I’ll be home later!” Can it be something that is part of your life, but that you’re not discussing constantly with your partner. Because soon enough, your partner is gonna be out downing margaritas with Lenny too. Why? Because the consistent denial, the lack of care that your partner is going through something that you don’t understand and the dismissing of their requests for you to try and not do it in their face is going to eventually cause your partner to burst open and take your margarita and drink the whole thing and then the rest of your bottle of tequila. And run away from Lenny. Because an eating disorder is a diet and exercise regimen that went insane and took itself way too far.
What helps
The most powerful thing you can offer is simple, warm, consistent presence. Check in. Ask them questions about it. Ask them how their recovery is going. Ask them how you can support them.
Practical support matters too, and the kindest practical move is to ask your partner whether there is anything in the house they would rather you not keep there for now. Try not to take it personally or get resentful if the answer is something inconvenient, like a food you happen to love. Doing crunches in the living room or keeping muscle magazines or peptides all over the house might be triggering. You don’t know. But ask. And listen.
Stay aware without policing them. If it genuinely seems like your partner is engaging in serious self harming behavior such as extreme restriction or purging, you can gently let them know what you have noticed and ask whether they would like your help finding the right treatment for them. That is very different from monitoring their plate. You are offering to help them find their own care, not appointing yourself as the person who delivers it.
What hurts, even when you mean well
A whole category of comments wounds people in recovery precisely because they target food and shame at the same time. Asking where the gallon of ice cream went, or whether they ate the cake you were saving, lands as an accusation no matter how lightly you think you said it. They already know they ate it, they already feel sick about it, and the question simply drops them deeper into a shame spiral that makes the next binge more likely, not less. If you are genuinely curious you can ask whether the cake was good in a warm and interested voice, or you can choose to say nothing at all and let it go and buy yourself another one.
Another category is the well meaning fix, which almost always backfires. Telling someone they are addicted to sugar and should just reset their palate, suggesting they consider a diet, or informing them that they just need a little self control assumes the problem is information or willpower, when the truth is that they have usually tried all of it and they live with more rigid control than you can imagine. People with eating disorders are often dieting every single day already, which is part of what drives the cycle, so advice to diet does not solve anything and it teaches them to distrust their own inner guidance, which is exactly where their recovery actually lives. The same goes for the rescue offer, the one where you announce that you are going to help by telling them what to eat and when. It comes from love, and it will make you both miserable and set them up to feel like a failure, because they have to recover by helping themselves rather than by following your instructions.
Then there are the comments that pile guilt onto shame. Asking whether they really need to keep eating that turns you into the cop. The most common response to being controlled is to put the food away, feel humiliated in the moment, and then go back and binge on it later in private. Telling them how hard this is for you, or asking why it is taking so long for them to get over this, makes their illness about you and adds your frustration on top of their own. Recovery is slow because these patterns took years and sometimes decades to form, and frustration from the person they love most makes the climb steeper. And the single worst thing you can say is that they do not really have an eating disorder and this is just an excuse, because that throws them into doubt about whether their suffering is even real and makes them feel like a fool for struggling. Remember that recovery from an eating disorder can last for a lifetime.
This doesn’t mean that they will always have the eating disorder but it does mean that symptoms can come back in times of stress. Know what’s stressful? Not being considerate and supportive. Not taking their disorder seriously.
A special note on bodies and appearance
This one deserves its own space because it trips up so many loving partners. Please do not comment on your partner’s appearance at all, in any direction. Telling them they look thin, telling them they look good or beautiful, and telling them they look like they have gained weight are all landmines, because commenting on appearance keeps the focus exactly where the eating disorder wants it and confirms that bodies are being watched and measured. The same applies to commenting on other people’s bodies and weight in front of them. Even to say, “Oh John looks great these days. I think he’s been taking good care of himself.” Even something that benign. I know it might seem reactive, but the eating disorder brain is very sneaky and likes to make everything about themselves. “If John is taking good care of himself, maybe that means I am not taking good care of myself and I don’t look good.” That’s the way that brain works.
If your partner tries to pull you into fat chat, asking whether they look fat or talking about how much weight they think they have gained, you can lovingly decline to participate with something as simple as, I am not going there with you, because I love you. You do not have to corroborate the eating disorder’s voice to be supportive.
What to say and do instead
The good news is that the helpful version is much simpler than the harmful one, and it is just being a loving, gentle and kind partner. If you’re not sure how to, you might even work with a licensed couples counselor who specializes in eating disorders. You can remind them that it is okay to fall down, because everyone falls down and they are human. You can ask whether they need to talk, or invite them out for a walk to look at the trees with no requirement that either of you say a word, just so they know you want to be near them. When they seem stressed you can gently ask if they are okay and whether anything is on their mind. And you can tell them, plainly and often, that you love them no matter what. You can also hug them and hold them and tell them that it’s all going to be okay. Just be loving and kind. Over and over and over. That’s how to be the best partner.
Always get your own support, don’t wait for things to feel overwhelming. Keep your own life, and stay connected to your own friends and interests while your partner does their work. You are allowed to be a whole person who is also a loving partner, and of course that is the version of you that helps them most.
Leora Fulvio, MFT has been treating eating disorders since 2005. She is the creator of the 5-Week Stop Binge Eating Program and the author of Reclaiming Yourself from Binge Eating. She offers evidence based therapy and resources for people who are ready to stop the cycle of obsessive dieting, body shame, and complicated relationships with food\
