So close to saying buh bye to 2016- phew. It’s been a difficult year for many.

Todays Tip

If you have been following me for even a minute, you know that I’m a huge advocate of self-regulation through mindfulness and meditation. The thing is though, it’s not one of those things that’s immediately noticeable (like highlights or a haircut) however, it is noticeable. Not just to you, but to the people around you. I have a client who I challenged to do 4 out of 7 days of meditation each week for one month. She is someone who has an overwhelmingly stressful job – life and death every moment that she’s on duty- her adrenals never get a break. She told me that she felt better after her very first session and couldn’t wait to do more. After just a few weeks she told me that people at her work told her that they loved working with her because she was so grounded and so even keeled and that she had a calming energy about her.

My favorite free mediation app is called insight timer and you can download it here.

Try it out!

Inspirational Quote

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” … Buddha

I love this quote because it’s so relevant to people who deal with the ED schema. So many people tend to put so much of themselves, so much care, so much support into others but forget about their own care. Remembering that you too are just as deserving and entitled to care, love and support is crucial for feeling your value and your worth and allowing yourself to recover.

<<–Go To Day 28

Go To Day 30—>>

Here we are – just 4 days before 2017 starts. How has December been going for you so far?

Todays Tip

Don’t “last hurrah,” it. These last few days are rough. There are lots of leftovers, lots of big boxes and tins full of cookies and baked goods, and the temptation to say “Screw it, I’ll just binge until New Years Day and then start my diet on January 1st…” is big. The problem with that is – that you feel terrible on New Years Day. You feel sick to your stomach, you are bloated, you are depressed and your body just feels not right. And then you start the whole cycle over again. You tell yourself that this is your year, that in 2017 you’re finally going to lose the weight. And then you diet for the first week or so of January and then you’re bingeing again. You don’t have to do that again. If everything in December leading up to Christmas was about food – everything in December leading up to New Years is about weight loss and fitness. It’s okay to be fit, but fit has nothing to do with pejorative dieting. It’s about creating balance for yourself. It’s about finding within you the most easy way to live both physically and emotionally, it’s about not eating too much and not eating too little. It’s about not going to sleep hungry and distraught or full and distraught. It’s about finding satisfaction in being even. What about deciding not to go on a diet for New Years and not to last hurrah it in the days leading up to New Years? What about saying at this moment that you are finding your balance. Right this second. You don’t have to wait, you can do it immediately. Balance is as simple as quieting down all the talk around you and quieting down the mind that tells you to binge or diet and asking yourself, “what do I need to be the kind of me that makes me feel peaceful? Not too much, not too little, but okay just being me?” and then trust that. You might hear that you need to relax more, you might hear that you need to take more walks, you might hear that you need to drink more water or eat more fruit or talk to your mother more or dance or read or stretch more… What is it that can help you at this very moment be the you that you really are? What is inside of you that helps you be you? Put your hand over your heart and breath deeply and ask yourself, “if my heart knew exactly what I needed right now, what would it tell me?” and then listen to your heart. You will learn something amazing about yourself.

Inspirational Quote

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. ” M. Scott Peck (From one of my favorite books, the Road Less Traveled)

I love this quote because it reminds us that we waste so much of our time and energy trying to change ourselves. When we value ourselves for who we are, we stop wasting time on trying to make ourselves different. It is only then, out of self-love not self-hate that we transform ourselves. When we try to change ourselves, we come from a place of “I’m not worthy until I lose weight, get thin, fit into a certain size…” and we put off doing our lives. When we value ourselves we use our time now and we participate in our lives now and ironically, that’s how we enhance, improve and evolve.

<<—Go To Day 27

Go To Day 29—>>>

Oh wow, we are on the other side of the holiday weekend. Phew! I am expecting that most everyone indulged over the holiday weekend. It was a big weekend no matter what holiday you celebrate. Most people likely either traveled, had family in town, attended or hosted multiple big celebrations. And you likely woke up Monday or this morning feeling bloated and uncomfortable in your skin. Not just you, but everyone. You probably ate foods that you never eat, your body is probably not processing them as smoothly as it does the foods that its used to and you are likely retaining water- feeling swollen and possibly feeling depressed and out of sorts because your body just doesn’t feel right. It’s okay.

Todays Tip

I want to say to forgive yourself, but you have nothing to apologize for. The holiday season is part of life. Sharing food and joyous times together (and not so joyous times) is all part of the tradition that we have in most Western cultures during this time of year. Be kind to yourself and remember that you are not alone. Everyone is feeling bloated and uncomfortable from having eaten lots of foods that they normally don’t and eaten more than they normally would. Be kind to yourself, drink lots of water and tea and get some loving exercise– brisk walk in the cold weather, a yoga class or some gentle stretching.

Inspirational Quote

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday.” – John Wayne

<<—Go To Day 26

Go To Day 28—>>

Hi! I hope that you all had a great Christmas and are still having a great Hanukkah if you are celebrating those 8 crazy nights. And Today is Kwanzaa, so happy Kwanzaa if you celebrate it. I didn’t know much about the holiday so I did some research and learned that Kwanza is a holiday that celebrates community, connection with heritage and culture, and rising up from strife, oppression and persecution. So I hope that those of you who are celebrating have some wonderful plans for the day and enjoy your families and friends.

Todays Tip

Remember that time, it was December 22nd, and I sent out a newsletter and the newsletter said, Though in my two decades of treating Binge Eating Disorder I’ve never seen apples be anyone’s binge food, so I’d be surprised. If apples are your binge food, you have to reply and let me know… When will I learn my lesson? All people are different and no eating disorder is like another. I quickly got an email back, “Um, Leora, apples are MY binge food.” Well, there you go. In my profession we call that an “empathic failure.”

Anyway, I explored with this reader a bit further and asked her if it was the crunch. She told me yes, that it was the crunch, and it was also nuts and then moved onto less nutrient dense foods.

When I work with clients personally, I am always interested in what their binge foods are. What they choose to binge on and when is good information for me because it lets me know what they are choosing to satisfy physically and chemically. For instance, if you read my book– you might remember the first sentence? “It started with the bread. It always started with the bread.” My binge food was crusty bread.

Why is that? Well bread is a very simple carbohydrate and it starts to digest instantly in your mouth with your saliva. So I began feeling the numbing effects of serotonin very quickly when I ate bread. It was like taking a valium. And the crustyness of the bread helped me to process emotions like anger and stress and anxiety because I was chewing so hard.

What about you? Do you find yourself bingeing on crunchy foods, for instance cereal? Granola? Nuts?

If so, I have a little trick for you. Did you know that your jaw is the strongest muscle in your whole body? And because of that, it takes on the responsibility of holding lots of your stress. So many people hold stress and tension in their jaws so eating crunchy foods is a way of releasing that.

Here are a few things to do:

1. Massage your jaw rubbing little circles right into the joints.

2. Let your jaw relax, don’t hold it open and don’t hold it closed, just let it come to a neutral position and take a few deep breaths right into it. Do this for about 60 seconds and you should find some peace.

3. Put a pillow over your mouth and scream as loud as you can into it. That will release jaw tension and all tension!

Try it out and see how it goes.

Inspirational Quote

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

 

 

<<<—-Go To Day 25  

Go To Day 27—>>>

 

 

 

 

 

 

<<—Go To Day 24

Hi Everyone,

Happy Hanukkah and Happy Christmas Eve!

Todays Tip

Take it slow. If you are going to be with family tonight, I just want you to take it slow. Try to do your best to not react to their behaviors or things that they say. Remember it’s not the stress or the things that people say that cause you stress, it’s your reaction to it. And you have the power to choose how you want to react. Think about how you want to behave around food, around your family and how you want to feel. Now see yourself behaving that way and being that way. Close your eyes and imagine it. Make a plan for it and know that if you can see it, if you can see yourself reacting and behaving in a way that you want to, then you can react and behave that way.

Inspirational Quote

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. –Buddha

I love this quote because it reminds us that when we hold onto our anger and turn it inward it burns us and destroys us. We need to get it out rather than turn it in and push it down with food. Ways to get it out? Journal, write about it, talk about it, just get it out.

<<<—– Go To Day 23

Are you deep into the December crazies yet? Where you feel as though you are jumping out of your skin waiting for Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanza et al? Either you’re super excited or super dreading it. But whatever it is, I’m betting you’re a little stir crazy by now.

Todays Tip

When you have nothing to wear. Hi Leora, Any advice about when the stress comes from not having anything appropriate to wear because nothing fits? It’s just about feeling bad about myself and not wanting to socialize. It takes so much energy.

I have been there. My body and my clothes have been many, many, many different sizes throughout my disordered eating. This is what I have to say to you. As part of your recovery process, find clothes that fit you and are comfortable and make you feel beautiful. I know that shopping can be triggering in its own way when you are uncomfortable in your body, but I find it crucial in terms of self care to have things that fit you and that you love. You don’t have to lose weight to buy clothes, you just have to find clothes that fit you. When you are actively engaged in recovery, your body will return to its right and perfect size and will stay there and then you can have all the same clothes for as long as you want to. But don’t punish yourself by having ill-fitting clothes that are not comfortable in your house. That’s both punishing and depressing, of course you don’t want to go out when nothing fits you. Treat yourself and love yourself. You deserve it. You really do, no matter what size your body is at.

Inspirational Quote

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.” Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

<<<—-Go To Day 22

Todays Tip

In yesterday’s post, I asked people to send me specific questions that they want addressed in the December series. I got some great questions so I’ll be doing my best to answer over the next few days.

Dear Leora, I am at work, and there is food EVERYWHERE. It’s the holidays, and people have brought in cheesecake, toffee, chocolates, brownies, cookies and cupcakes. I have put on weight because I cannot resist this food, and I feel ugly and terrible about myself. Do you have any advice for *not* eating this stuff?

This is a big one at the holidays. People bring in baked goods and treats all the time. The office is full of sugary treats that make people happy- unless they have a dysfunctional relationship with food. Then it makes work a living hell.

The way I work with clients around this specific issue is to help them create a healthy boundary around the holiday treats.

For example. Someone might tell themselves that their healthy number for holiday treats is two each day. So what they can then do is plan what time they are going to go into the kitchen to get the treat. Perhaps it’s after lunch at 1pm. At 1pm, they walk into the kitchen or staff room and they take a look around and figure out what it is that they really, really want. They take that on their planned break, sit down and allow themselves to enjoy it. To taste it, to chew it to swallow it. Perhaps they enjoy that treat with a cup of tea and some music for a five minute break. Let yourself be satisfied and enjoy. Then, at 4pm, they can do it once more. Then you know that the next day you will have two treats again, so you don’t have to worry about getting everything in all at once. You have to figure out what your number is (maybe it’s one treat a day, maybe it’s three), but it’s important to plan ahead so that you don’t become black and white about it.

If you for instance say that you aren’t going to have any and then you go into the kitchen and accidentally grab something– it might set you into a sneak eating, bingey tailspin.

If you absolutely feel unable to make reasonable boundaries around the holiday treats this year, then you might instead decide to avoid the places where said food lives. For instance– “Bob has candy canes on his desk, can’t go talk to Bob today…” or “No kitchen today, gotta leave the office and get my coffee from Starbucks…”

I do suggest that if you are able to though, if food is honestly everywhere, it would be a relief for you to allow yourself to eat a little bit of it in a controlled and moderate way rather than telling yourself no and then feeling out of control with it.

It’s often in the restriction and the resistance where we find the most stress. Giving an allowance will reduce that stress.

Another practical tactic is to keep a big bowl of apples on your desk. Here is why, for most people apples are not a binge food. [But If apples are your binge food then read no more. Though in my two decades of treating Binge Eating Disorder I’ve never seen apples be anyone’s binge food, so I’d be surprised. If apples are your binge food, you have to reply and let me know]. But I digress… the bowl of apples on your desk will be easy for you to grab, so if there is binge food all around you and it’s unavoidable, having a non-binge food at your disposal and easily reachable will help you to fend off a binge.

Inspirational Quote

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.-William Somerset Maugham

I love this humorous quote by Somerset Maugham because it reminds us that sometimes “messing up” is just human. And that it’s the way that we react to the excess that will hurt us more than the excess. For instance, I ate a brownie- I’m so stressed out about it that I’m going to binge on more brownies- rather than- oh, I ate a brownie– it was great- Now I’m going to relax in a nice tube tonight and watch The Gilmore Girls.

 

<<—-Go To Day 22   Go To Day 23–>>

I am getting through December. Are you? I’ve had a migraine that started on Sunday and lasted through Tuesday morning. I am finally better but I was a true wreck. Not the most patient Mom on the planet or the most helpful wife. Far from it. I spent most of the time sprawled out in bed or on the couch. I attempted a viewing of The Sound of Music with my 5 year old son, but the pure grumpiness and pain that coursed through my veins into a pulsating mess in my right eye made me unable to feel anything but anger at the young and innocent Rolf as I knew what was to come. So by 16 going on 17 I was done.

I’m sure that many of you are going home to families that might be dysfunctional this week. Really, most families are dysfunctional (or perhaps I have a skewed sample set as a Psychotherapist) – and I want to help you to navigate your recovery and stay strong while you’re there. Please don’t hesitate to reply to this email with any questions. I’ll anonymously post the answer in tip form in upcoming get through December newsletters.

Todays Tip

For the past few weeks in the 5 Week Program, we’ve been talking a lot about guilt and obligation. Many have been telling me that their families are stressful for them because they are constantly doing for everyone in the family and they don’t know how to say no. They feel guilty for saying no and have no good reason to say no. I have what I call the codependency litmus test here. If you say no will you feel guilty and if you say yes will you feel resentful? If the answer is yes and yes, take the choice to go with the guilt. The guilt is yours, that’s something you can work with. Those of us with the disordered eating schema tend to spend a lot of time trying to please people and to be the best us that we possibly can be. We sacrifice our own needs for the sake of others. Then, eventually, in your family, you become the person who everyone expects to make sacrifices. When you don’t, when you choose to take care of yourself, people get angry. This is common. That’s because we don’t like change. We hide from it. And when we change, we force other people to change too. Change causes an effect of change all around. For instance, your sister asks you to take her shopping because she wants to have wine in the afternoon and doesn’t want to drive. You don’t feel like taking her to the market. You’re tired, you’ve been working all week, you finally have a rest. If you tell her no, she will get angry. She will get angry because then she has to do something that she doesn’t want to do. She is forced to make a healthier choice because you are choosing not to sacrifice your needs for her needs. You are choosing to care for yourself. Change is hard, but necessary. We were all given our own lives and the ability to do things for ourselves. If you don’t give someone else they opportunity to care for themselves when they can, (unless they are children or elderly or disabled) you are cheating both yourself and them. Take care of yourself and everyone else is forced to do the same. That’s change that can be good!

Inspirational Quote

Relationships are where we take our recovery on the road. – Melody Beattie

I love this quote. It reminds us that we didn’t get sick in a void and we can’t recover in a void. We have to reclaim ourselves in the system that we became who we are in. That means work and change and doing something scary. But it’s the kind of necessary work that makes life-long change.

<—Go To Day 20       Go to Day 22—>>>

Good morning everyone. Less than two weeks left of this brutal Winter month. Hopefully you are getting some enjoyment out of the season and staying healthy (I have my Winter cold right now, yuck!) It really is a beautiful time of year with the lights and the excitement and the Vince Guaraldi on the radio and It’s a Wonderful Life on TV and of course time off of work.

Today’s Tip

On Friday my son’s doctor said to me, “most parents with challenging kids spend more time focusing on their kid’s deficits than on their strengths.”

Wow.

I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it. And what I realized is that most parents spend more time focusing on their children’s perceived deficits than their strengths in general. Not just for high needs kids.

For instance- here is a scenario:

Shelly was great at science and math but her parents focused on the fact that she wasn’t as tiny as her sister Ruth. So in the summers, rather than going to science and math camp, Ruth had to go to Fat Camp to lose weight. Instead of focusing on what she was good at and really strengthening that part of her, she focused on something that was a “perceived deficit” and it brought her away from focusing on what she loved and what she was good at and brought her into spending all her time and fruitless efforts on dieting. She would have been happy if she’s been submerged into math and science but instead she was submerged into dieting. If they’d really spent time developing her strength instead of her “perceived weakness,” she could have been an astrophysicist. But Shelly has a severe eating disorder now, she is in a very high weight body and she’s very depressed. She works as a book-keeper and she’s great at it. But I think that her parents steered her wrong in an effort to make her happy. She would have been happier if they’d focused instead on what actually made her happy. Her body was just meant to be bigger than her sister’s body- without all the dieting, she’d probably just be in a body that is at a healthy and comfortable weight for her and enjoying her life.

What do you think?

Is there a way that your parents focused on your weaknesses instead of your strengths?

Are you still doing it to yourself now? If so, how? And how can you change that behavior right this moment? How can you reparent yourself to focus on your strengths instead of your perceived weaknesses.

Inspirational Quote